The gouda, the bad and the ugly: food puns

I love puns and I love food (obviously), so I rate food related puns pretty highly. The wine shop on Errol street often has cute puns on its blackboard outside the store. They had one up a few weeks ago that I’ve heard before but always love: ‘Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to dis-a-brie?’ It’s both funny and true, since many of my sweetest food dreams are made of cheese (baked cheesecake, five cheese pizza and Vue de Monde’s famous cheese cart, I’m looking at you…) Cheese puns are actually my favourite sub-category of food puns. I mean, puns just tend to sound fetta when cheese is involved. People think I’m a bit of a quark anyway, so why not just go totally emmental with the cheese puns? But I should stop milking these terrible cheese puns and move on…

There’s also a roaring trade in Melbourne for restaurants with puns in their names. A couple of my favourite include the successful ‘Lord of the Fries’ chain and veggie heaven ‘Lentil As Anything’, plus there’s the new ‘Jimmy Grant’s’ which apparently is rhyming slang (not technically a pun) for ‘immigrants’. There’s a fairly new cafe at Southern Cross Station in Melbourne called ‘Hunger Game’, which is not a bad little use of the film title and no doubt gets a few smiles out of commuters in the morning, even if their pre-packages sandwiches and soggy croissants look about as appealing as eating spicy food during a severe bout of Bali Belly.

Jimmy Grant's menu board

Jimmy Grant’s menu board

Speaking of Bali…that’s where I’ve been for the past week! Indonesia is technically north of Melbourne, so I feel that a little bragging about my lovely resort holiday on this blog is allowed. And there is a legitimate tie-in to my blog about puns (or should I say Thai-in? No, that just sounds a bit racist and geographically challenged doesn’t it?). Anyway, while on holiday in Bail I spotted a takeaway chicken shop called ‘Chicken Run’, replete with intellectual-property-infringing giant models of the two main characters in the film Chicken Run, Ginger and Rocky. Now maybe the owners of the restaurant simply had not seen the movie. Maybe they didn’t understand it, or were rooting for the cold hearted villain Mrs Tweedy. But to me, it’s a very odd and unfortunate choice of name for a chicken shop. I mean, the film is about chickens escaping from a horrible chicken farm. The heroes are chickens, who narrowly avoid being turned into chicken pies. It is kind of like opening a cafe that served pork belly and calling it ‘Babe’. Or opening a Japanese restaurant that served whale burgers and calling it ‘Free Willy’. Or a dodgy dim sim place and calling it ‘101 Dalmations’ or ‘Aristocats’. Ok, ok you get the point. Maybe it’s just the overly sensitive vegetarian in me, but it just seems very wrong.

Anyway, back to cheesy puns and other names that stink. Deliberately pun-y restaurant names are clearly not limited to Melbourne. There’s been many articles and even books written which record and collect these silly foodie names. A couple of my international favourites which I dug up while googling include: ‘YacDonalds’ (fast food in Nepal), ‘Maquis de Salade’ (salads and more in Budapest), ‘New Cod on the Block’ (fish and chips in the UK), ‘Brew’d Awakening’ (coffee shop in the USA), ‘Amy’s Winehouse’ (a poor taste winery in the UK) and ‘ThaiRiffic’ (several Thai restaurants, including one I’ve eaten at in Sydney). And I can see why restaurants opt for funny names. Perhaps they don’t scream ‘fine dining’ but they’re memorable and worth mentioning, if only for the silly name, to friends. Plus, if the name was actually very funny or clever, I might be more inclined to go in and check out the restaurant. I love restaurants that don’t take themselves too seriously, that have a sense of fun about them or reflect the quirkiness of their owners and I’d probably be much more likely to go into a fish and chip shop called ‘A Salt & Battery’ (in New York) than one called ‘New York Fish and Chips’.

I guess, like in anything you do, you just have to be careful when you’re picking a restaurant name, whether you’re trying to be funny or not. Otherwise you might end up owning a place called ‘Phat Phuc Noodle Bar’ (to be fair it apparently means ‘Happy Buddha’ in Vietnamese) or the ‘KKK’ (chain, or should I say klan, of restaurants in the Philippines), ‘Jee’s Pot’ (in San Fransisco – you know it’s a good spot right?), ‘Butt Sweet House’ (sweet treats in Abu Dhabi) or Melbourne’s own ‘Kum Den’. Yes, I know, I am a child, but seriously, google these things people, or say them aloud a few times before buying a sign!

Fruit and vegetables: they really lettuce make a whole bunch of fruitful puns

Fruit and vegetables: they really lettuce make a whole bunch of fruitful puns

Review: Cafe Court at Emporium

So I resisted, for several weeks, the lure of a new shopping complex. I tried to protect my credit card from the harsh realities of my addiction to shoes. But eventually all that shiny-ness got to me and I just had to check out Emporium, the new deluxe shopping centre wedged between Melbourne Central and Myer in the CBD. There are still a lot of stores ‘coming soon’, but it’s definitely starting to take shape, with a mix of high quality Aussie brands (e.g. Saba, Jac+Jack and Aesop) and new and exciting overseas staples, like Uniqlo.

To go with the deluxe feel, the centre doesn’t have a ‘food court’ but rather a ‘café court’ on level 3. Honestly, it’s just spin, like real estate agents calling a tiny apartment ‘cosy’ or chefs calling a nice sauce a ‘jus’. Emporium doesn’t really have a courtyard full of cafes, but that’s not to say that the offerings there aren’t a cut above your average shopping centre food court. There’s a lot more than a McDonalds and tired looking juice bars. In fact, there’s no McDonalds at all! Yay!

Given I’m likely to be spending a fair amount of time (and money) in Emporium in the coming years, plus its central location in the city, I decided it was worth surveying the food offerings there and reporting back.

There’s quite a few what I’d call ‘traditional’ Melbourne food court staples, like Spud Bar, Guzman Y Gomez and a host of non descript but okay looking Asian noodle/sushi places. There’s also Cafenatics, which is a chain I know well since they had two outlets near my old workplace. The coffee must be decent given its popularity with the often exhausted, caffeine addicted lawyers I used to work with, but the cakes and pastries at the court’s outlet looked pretty pedestrian. It’s very much oversized muffins and over glossed danishes. Personally I’d much rather walk through to Myer (I love that you can do that again after so many years being closed!) and get a cake at the Brunetti’s instore on level 3. My current Brunetti’s favourites include the Royale cake (flourless almond cake, lots of chocolate mousse, biscuit, caramel) and the French Custard Tart (short buttery pastry, smooth custard and juicy cherries).

The new Emporium "café court"

The new Emporium “café court”

Anyway, back to Emporium’s café court – in addition to these recognisable outlets and chains, there’s a few places I’ve never seen or heard of before, like ‘Bing Boy’ which describes itself as ‘urban Asian street food’ and looks quite cool – with wraps cooked on big crepe hotplates filled with things like prawns, smoked salmon or avocado and salad. There’s also ‘Thrive’ which offers super healthy sounding gluten free meals, smoothies and tubs of trail mix. The court’s juice bar – called Top Juice – looks fun and vibrant and more dynamic than the usual juice bar. They’re super popular, with the line to order constantly 3 to 4 people deep. I had a small ‘Happy Juice’ (pear, rockmelon and strawberry) which was delicious and served really well chilled too.

Then there’s a few special places, the Diors and Chanels of the café court, including Jimmy Grants and Earl. Jimmy Grant’s is George Calombaris’ latest venture into Greek-style street food. He’s also got outlets in Fitzroy and at the pop-up site at Rue & Co on Collins Street in the city. The reviews to date for the Jimmy Grants at Emporium have been a bit mixed and underwhelming, but it was popular when I visited. Souvas aren’t really my thing and it felt a bit naughty ordering chips for lunch, so I skipped Jimmy Grants, but will definitely have to try it in future, especially given how much I like Gazi. Earl, like Jimmy Grants, now has a couple of outlets across Melbourne. I think it is a great option for a healthy and tasty lunch. They sell big salads for under $10 that you actually want to eat, including my favourite ‘superfood’ salad, which has broccoli florettes, red quinoa and cranberries in it. There’s plenty of other salads to choose from too, with ingredients like broad beans, red salmon, kipfler potatoes and sumac flavoured veggies. Finally, the last big drawcard in the court is a rather flashy looking burger place called Charlie & Co Burgers. Unsurprisingly, they’re from Sydney originally, but it got good reports from my partner, who knows his burgers!

View of the seating at Emporium

View of the seating at Emporium

Top Juice's delicious looking display cabinet

Top Juice’s delicious looking display cabinet

Earl at Emporium

Earl at Emporium

While not exactly ground-breaking, I think it’s great to see a shopping centre recognise and reflect the city it exists within. Melbournians are foodies. We don’t like eating in dark food courts that smell like grease and we’re spoiled for choice in the city when it comes to tasty lunches and snacks. By attracting higher-end eateries into the centre, shoppers are enticed to stay and shop longer, which is exactly the point, I guess! I’m certainly one such swipe-happy shopper, having splashed out on a new winter coat to go with my lunch and fresh juice.

Top Juice on Urbanspoon

Earl Canteen Emporium on Urbanspoon

Get in line, baby!

Wait free brunch - corn fritters at Garage Espresso in Balaclava

Wait free brunch – corn fritters at Garage Espresso in Balaclava

I have now, finally, emerged from my Easter sugar fuelled coma and am ready to get back to blogging. And as I emerged, eyes blinking from my choco-daze, I ran straight into a 300 people strong queue outside the newly opened H&M store at Melbourne GPO. This was well over a week after the opening and still the line was wrapped around the building and up Elizabeth street. On its opening day the store apparently had 15,000 people through the door. Barriers were erected to manage the lines, bouncers dotted the GPO’s steps and several news channels covered the opening.

I think I’m getting too old to queue. Personally I have no interest in queuing for H&M clothes that look just like Zara and Top Shop and everyone else. But I’m also losing interest in queuing at restaurants. A ten minute wait for a table to get my hashbrowns at Di Bella? Ok fine. Fifteen minutes for the staff to clear a spot at the bar at Gazi? Yeah, ok. But the two hour, stand in a long line at Mamasita or wait for a text from Chin Chin is wearing thin. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for the latest iPhone or Beiber concert tickets only the crowd looks a little less nerdy or fourteen respectively and all you get at the end is overpriced cabbage salad or deconstructed apple pie. I know restaurants want to be able to turn over tables quickly, I get that they want you to drink at their bar first. I understand why restaurants have a no-bookings policy, but I don’t have to like it.

(Relatively) wait free brunch at Bowery to Williamsburg

(Relatively) wait free brunch at Bowery to Williamsburg

Maybe it’s because we’re spoilt for choice in Melbourne that I feel resentful waiting for a table when so many other good seats are available elsewhere. Maybe it’s because I’m getting old and grumpy and don’t like standing in heels for too long. Perhaps it’s because, on my less student-like budget, I eat at nicer places and am therefore not willing to put up with the various looks of patronising sympathy or scathing dismissal you get from waitresses when you ask ‘how long for a table for two?’ on a Friday or Saturday night. I mean, seriously, they are a restaurant, seating and serving people is what they do! Sometimes I feel like Oliver Twist when he stands up and asks for more gruel. I mean, some staff look genuinely offended that you’d even ask, as if suggesting they might have a table free on a busy night is tantamount to crimes against humanity or, worse, a bad urbanspoon rating.

There’s actually queuing psychology and a lot of studies out there on how we react to queues. Humans still tend to follow the herd and, when faced with a choice of two places, one with little to no wait and one with a long queue they will often go with the long queue – choosing safety in numbers essentially. Plus there’s a sort of weird Melbourne pride in queuing for a ridiculous amount of time at a really popular place. Like some endurance athlete, you held out the two hours seventeen minutes that your friends didn’t. You’ve eaten somewhere they haven’t yet. You’re now one of the chosen, or something like that. Plus you can instagram the crap out of the long awaited meal, if you’re not too weak from hunger pains by the time it arrives, that is. And, don’t get me wrong, I’m guilty of this. I’ve done my time on Mamasita’s steps, I’ve stood outside the club-like Gelato Messina, shivered in a line outside Mamak and have, on occasion, waited an hour for brunch.

Bar seat and yummy Greek dips at Gazi

Bar seat and yummy Greek dips at Gazi

I guess the point is that I think queuing at restaurants is on the demise. At least, I’m hoping so. Touché Hombre has started taking bookings this year. Philippa Sibley has opened a restaurant, Prix Fixe, that you have to buy tickets to ahead of time. The availability and increase in online restaurant review sites and foodie blogs mean you no longer need a queue outside a place to know it’s good or to get a sense of hype. So, personally, I’ll be repenting my queuing sins and only going if I can secure a seat ahead of time…at least until Heston’s restaurant opens in Melbourne next year.

Eatster…I mean Easter.

Koko Black's bunny range

Koko Black’s bunny range

So this month is chocolate month, also known by some as ‘Easter’. Those who read my blog regularly will know that if I could physically manage to eat my own weight in chocolate each day, I probably would. My occasional swearing off chocolate following a depressing bathroom scales reading tends to last hours rather than days, I just can’t go past the stuff. Food wise, therefore, Easter is a much beloved holiday for me, despite my lack of religion.

I actually get a bit spiritual/religious about chocolate, coveting it in shop windows, setting up miniature chocolate ‘shrines’ in my pantry at home or desk drawers at work, referring to it as ‘my precious’ and, well, you get the picture, I’m very into chocolate. This year I thought I’d use my blog as an excuse to do an early scouting trip of all the best chocolate shops in Melbourne, checking out what their Easter offerings are like. So with less than two weeks to go until Easter, for your gift-giving ease and eating pleasure, below is a summary of what is and is not going to make my Easter wish list this year.

Koko Black
I think Koko Black now counts as a Melbourne institution. It’s still my favourite place to go to get boxes of chocolate as gifts (including gifts for myself…) I visited the Royal Arcade store, whose display/offering is almost entirely dedicated to Easter at the moment. To be honest I’m not loving the very bright art deco inspired gift boxes they have gone with this year, but I did get excited about the gorgeous mini ‘quail’ eggs (sugar coated chocolate eggs replete with authentic speckles) and the Surprise Golden Easter egg made from milk and dark chocolate with a salted caramel ‘surprise’ inside. No idea what that surprise is, but I want to find out. It’s like a giant fancy Kinder Surprise! But for $65 I’d want a damn good surprise – it’s definitely not the most post-GFC friendly option for the Easter Bunny’s basket this year.

Koko Black quail eggs - check out the egg cartons!

Koko Black quail eggs – check out the egg cartons!

Koko Black's packaging

Koko Black’s packaging

Haigh’s
I visited Haigh’s in yet another arcade – the Block Arcade. Haigh’s gets the prize for best theming and colour scheme. The entire store was buzzing with shoppers and absolutely jammed with a huge range of Easter stock. The colour palette this year has gone a little retro/hipster – lots of calico, dark brown and blue with polka dots. Gift options include everything from single hollow eggs for under $10 to pre-made Easter hampers for well over $100. Extra points to Haigh’s for promoting the Aussie ‘Bilby’ over the bunny. Apparently a percentage of sales from bilby shaped chocolates goes to the bilby breeding program at Adelaide Zoo too! If you prefer dark chocolate there were a lot of good options, with all their top selling items available in a choice of milk or dark. I also liked the look of their chocolates in the shape of hot cross buns, but my ultimate pick would be the milk chocolate half egg filled with old fashioned freckles for $15.95. Super colourful and what I would want the Big Bunny to bring me at age six or twenty six.

Haigh's display

Haigh’s display

Spot the bilby!

Spot the bilby!

Haigh's freckle eggs

Haigh’s freckle eggs

Lindt
I love Lindt’s store windows year round and Easter is no exception. Their window on Collins Street features a giant gold bunny and big baskets of chocolate perched on top of bright red wooden crates (see – even Lindt has gone a little hipster this year…). To be honest, inside the store most of the Lindt range is a little boring. It’s predominately just gold foil wrapped bunnies of various sizes. There was a large ‘Heavenly Hazelnut’ egg that looked pretty damn good, though I wasn’t so keen on the crazy-bright yellow packaging. Kids get the best deal at Lindt – there’s a fun looking ‘Easter Hunt’ gift pack for $16.50 filled with chocolates in the shape of chickens, bunnies, bugs and bees plus your own basket and set of bunny ears to wear!

Lindt has also introduced a new coconut flavour small filled egg which is awesome. It’s like a posh Bounty Bar, but entirely creamy rather than having any rough coconut texture. I thought the flavour was going to be either sickly sweet or taste really fake, like those biscuits you get filled with coconut essence, but it was neither, it was delicious. I wouldn’t buy a whole box of them as the flavour could get a bit much, but the addition of this flavour to their small egg repertoire is a good one I think.

Lindt's coconut eggs

Lindt’s coconut eggs

Ganache
I popped into Ganache, which is almost next to Lindt on Collins Street. To be honest their large moulded bunnies looked kind of weird and I didn’t like their packaging much. Having said that, they do absolutely beautiful chocolate half eggs filled with their mixed chocolate truffles and filled chocolates. They have a range of sizes from a small egg with just 4 chocolates in it up to eggs the size of your head with 20+ chocolates in them. I know both egg and chocolates are superb because my partner got me one for Easter 2012 and it was a-maz-ing. I think I only shared like one chocolate out of it with him, and it was a coffee flavoured one (’cause I don’t like coffee flavoured anything). Prices are similar to Koko Black, with a half egg filled with six chocolates costing $19.

Ganache half egg with filled chocolates

Ganache half egg with filled chocolates

Big W
Ok, sometimes I have tacky chocolate tastes, let’s be honest here. Yes, when it is Easter I normally go for quality chocolate gifts over quantity, but sometimes it’s fun to get a novelty life sized chocolate chicken nestled in 70 bright pink chocolate eggs, even if you don’t eat it. Who doesn’t want the official One Direction Easter egg and novelty mug set? Or the official Barbie Easter egg with bonus lip gloss? Both only $8! Seriously though, Big W does have a big selection of fun Easter stuff, plus, classic gold wrapped 100g Lindt bunnies are on sale for $4, which is cheaper than at Lindt itself.

Max Brenner
Max Brenner’s Easter offering was predominately 40g wrapped Easter eggs of several varieties – milk and dark, plus one with praline pieces, one with nuts and one with ‘marbles’ inside, whatever that means. At between $2.50 and $3 each they were very reasonably priced and I did like the kinda-girly bright patterned foil wrapping. However, the rest of their gift options were just pairings of these eggs with their normal stock, like chocolate drinking powder and hug mugs. I am so over hug mugs. And, by the looks of the store that I visited (Melbourne Central), the rest of Melbourne is possibly over hug mugs too? It’s hard to make a call on Max Brenner, good value and still very yummy chocolate, but I felt a definite lack of imagination and energy here.

So that’s my wrap up for Easter. If you haven’t started shopping, you better hop to it! Sorry, I know it’s a terrible pun but I could not resist, much as I can’t resist a good Easter egg…

Eggs at Max Brenner

Eggs at Max Brenner

So many bunnies at Lindt! I think they were breeding...

So many bunnies at Lindt! I think they were breeding…

Ten hot Italians…

I LOVE Italian food. I love Italy itself too. You can’t go wrong with the home of pasta, parmesan cheese and gelato. Melbourne has a fabulous history of Italian residents and an abundance of Italian restaurants due to past waves of migration to Australia. In this blog I wanted to share my top 10 Italian dishes in Melbourne. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. Eggplant parma at Neil Perry’s Rosetta. Gorgeous restaurant that makes you feel like a 50s movie star, with service and food to match. This eggplant parma is beautifully soft on the inside, crispy on the outside and topped with buffalo mozzarella and crispy basil leaves. Yum!

Rosetta's eggplant parma

Rosetta’s eggplant parma

2. Pizza at Oskar’s Pizza. This is my local pizza place and, conveniently, I happen to think that they do the best pizza in Melbourne. Big call, I know.

3. Mess Hall’s polenta chips. These are big fat wedges of crispy polenta, served hot and covered in cheese. So delicious!

4. Dolcetti’s dulce de leche cheesecake. Super creamy and just the right level of sweetness – these babies are a steal at under $4 too!

5. Gnocchi Napoli at Café Corretto on Lygon Street. I know it’s cheesy (both literally and figuratively), I know it’s a little tacky with the car suspended on the roof and the red plastic tablecloths, but I still love a big plate of old school gnocchi at this place. Student living for the win.

6. Rosetta’s zucchini, mint and pecorino risotto. I recently ate here, so my views may be slightly skewed, but this was definitely one of the best risottos I’ve ever had. Super creamy yet not gluggy, cheesy while still tasting fresh and summery. Big snaps also for the risotto at Mess Hall in the city and Sosta Cucina in North Melbourne.

Rosetta's zucchini risotto

Rosetta’s zucchini risotto

7. Cellar Bar’s Melanzane Alla Parmigiana, so many soft soft layers of eggplant with the sweetest tomato sauce ever. The service is kind of patchy, sometimes rude, but the eggplant is worth it.

8. Potato, cabbage, sage and tallegio pasta at Sosta Cucina. I don’t think it’s currently on the menu but it does appear quite frequently. It’s two types of carbs plus a very delicious kind of cheese, plus criminal levels of butter – need I say more?

9. The French custard tart at Brunetti. Amazing silky custard tart studded with big juicy sour cherries. Also can’t go past the Panzerotti (shortcrust patstry parcels, filled with vanilla pastry cream).

10. It sounds cute but my final favourite Italian dish is…my sister’s pan-finished roast pumpkin gnocchi with homemade Napoli sauce. It’s not readily available, but it is fabulous!

Rosetta on Urbanspoon

Review: B’Stilla

Like many a good Melbourne restaurant, B’Stilla is tucked away in a small semi residential street behind Chapel St. It’s unlikely to stay an in-the-know secret for long though, with it winning this year’s Best Restaurant in the Good Food Guide under $30 awards. The award was my motivation for wanting to try it out, though the prospect of Moroccan food done by the person who bought trendy Mexican (Mamasita) to Melbourne was also appealing! It’s also not technically north of the river, but I feel a little adventuring over to the dark side is allowed…

With two gorgeous girlfriends, Miss Pony and Dr S (as we decided they should be called in my blog after a cocktail or so) we worked our way through the $65 banquet. For $65 you get a really good sample of what B’Stilla has to offer. It was distinctly North African flavours, but very approachable, with slick plating, lots of colour and a friendly level of spiciness for sooks (not souks…sorry that was lame!) like me. As a vegetarian, I was well catered for with no fuss from the friendly staff.

The menu says $65 will get you 4 a course banquet including dessert, but those 4 courses are made up of several dishes, meaning the option did live up to its ‘banquet’ name. The very first dish was a winner – a little pile of artichoke and pumpkin covered in some sort of delicious sweet/spicy sauce. This also came with grilled ‘batbout’ bread and a spicy (but not too spicy) tomato jam. The batbout, which I later googled, was like a chewy rich pita bread with gorgeous chargrilled iron marks on it.

The first dish - a little pile of tasty goodness

The first dish – a little pile of tasty goodness

These first small dishes were followed by a second round of slightly larger small dishes. The lentil filled semolina crepe (very much like a fine flat bread) which I received in lieu of lamb ribs was very tasty, with something (not sure what, possibly zucchini?) which was pickled and zingy on the top of a creamy lentil mix and fresh flatleaf parsley. The ribs were well received by Miss Pony and Dr S, who were able to literally nudge the super soft meat off the bone with the pack of their forks. They also had the signature ‘B’Stilla’ dish, which was a parcel of duck and chicken meat dusted in spices, whereas I had super delicious cauliflower with pine nuts and spices. I’m not sure what they do to the cauliflower, possibly deep fry it, but I’ve had it this way once or twice when eating out before, including at both Anada and Coda. It takes on a whole different texture from your standard steamed cauliflower, it’s a little bit crispy, like a big hot chip, while still retaining its juiciness.

My kind of coleslaw: Moroccan style!

My kind of coleslaw: Moroccan style!

The main course was a large shared vegetable tagine, which looked fab piled high with fresh herbs and figs. There was also a duck sausage on the side for non-vegetarians to add, as well as a cabbage salad and couscous. The couscous was really nice and fluffy, but filled with large pieces of orange rind which were very overpowering I thought.

Dessert was a highlight for me, of course! It was an ice-cream cone each, topped with Persian (or Moroccan perhaps?) style fairy floss. The ice-cream was, wait for it, tahini flavour! It has to be tasted to be believed. It was sweet, not savoury. The balancing act to make it delicious and not disgusting is an impressive one. It was so unusual but really creamy and had just the right level of sweetness. Plus, hiding right at the bottom of the cone was a big dollop of dulche de leche – yuuuuum!

Tahini ice-cream cones

Tahini ice-cream cones

B'Stilla on Urbanspoon

Hipster-World Problems

You’ve no doubt experienced and likely complained of “first world problems”. I have them so often now I’ve almost forgotten what a non-FWP looks like. Can’t decide between sushi and rice paper rolls for lunch? Need to go to your friend’s wedding in Bali and your cousin’s birthday in Noosa on the same weekend? Have too many brands of organic milk to choose from? Feeling guilty about illegally downloading eps of Orange is the New Black? Yep, FWP.

But now there’s a new breed of problem out there, looming large in the streets of Melbourne, Sydney and even Adelaide, afflicting far too many. I’m even one of the afflicted on occasion. This plague is more specific, more brutal, and just more damn scary than the FWP. Scientists are unsure why, but rates of affliction are particularly high in certain suburbs, with the problem reaching epic proportions in the Melbourne suburbs of Fitzroy, Brunswick, Kensington, North Melbourne and, increasingly, Footscray. Be alert and alarmed. But act like you don’t really care. We are now facing the growth of the hipster world problem, or “HWP”.

One of my attempts at hipsterness: Pimms in jars with paper straws!

One of my attempts at hipsterness: Pimms in jars with paper straws!

Don’t laugh, this is serious! There are hipsters (and a tiny bit hipster slash confused yuppies like myself…) suffering HWPs every hour of every single day. If you’re a hipster or know someone who might be, then no doubt they are suffering with HWPs. To help you, and them, out, here’s the top twenty HWPs I’ve seen (or possibly imagined) in North Melbourne. Be afraid hipsters, be very afraid:
1. Your favourite hole-in-the-wall cafe gets a write-up in The Age. People from Toorak now go there on weekends. Sigh.
2. Your mother gives you a jumper for your birthday that both fits snugly and lacks any holes whatsoever. Also, it is lolly pink or cream.
3. You sell your soul and get a corporate job, which means you can now afford to replace your milk crates with chairs.
4. You are discovered at a non hipster locale, such as at Coles buying non-organic non-soy toilet paper, eating Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream at Chadstone or sunbaking anywhere on a beach. So unoriginal.
5. You develop an allergy to beards.
6. You develop an allergy to coffee.
7. Someone gives you a non-hipster-friendly Christmas present of a Red Balloon speed sport voucher (can you spell mainstream?) and half way through the experience you realise how unsuitable yoga pants, oversized glasses and a natty beret are for jet boating on Sydney harbour.
8. You’re on Sydney Harbour. Like, ever.
9. Your beloved decides to send red roses/a teddy/chocolates/lingerie to your work on Valentine’s Day in an uncharacteristic display of mainstreamedness. Your boss, who wears crocs, thinks it’s cute.
10. Your Frankie magazine gets stolen by your housemate who uses it to line their hermit crabs’ tank. Yep, hermit crabs are back in. They’re so uncool they’re cool, right?
11. While reading Eat Pray Love in a completely ironic way you start to really like it.
12. Your preferred micro brewed beer becomes available on tap and all the College douche-bags from Melbourne Uni start drinking it.
13. You get a haircut that turns out looking like Jennifer Aniston’s circa 2000 (or 2013, ‘cause that woman’s hair seriously never changes).
14. The giant papier-mâché pirate ship you constructed with your housemates and put in your neighbour’s front lawn gets rained on. Now it just looks like a dog vomited up a phone book. Do people still use phone books? You are totally going to bring them back, anyway…
15. You run out of clean checked flannelette shirts. You run out of dirty checked flannelette shirts.
16. You forget to rinse your quinoa before cooking it and get that nasty bitter aftertaste which is most likely from non Fair Trade dirt particles.
17. You rock up too late for the independent Spanish film festival film you were planning to see and have to watch Last Vegas instead.
18. A nasty Chlamydia infection works its way through your Theatre sports team/ Zine store employees / ironic book club / apple pressing collective.
19. You have so much political election mail left over in your garage that you decide to build a small fort with it. For a short time the fort is so awesome that you eschew your bed and sleep inside it, until you realise Christopher Pyne and Joe Hockey are staring at you from the left hand wall of the fort.

And yes, this is finishing on number 19, because 20 is a round and conformist number. And I’m not going to add yet another HWP (having your name forever attached to accidental-lame-numerical-conformity) to my increasingly long list.